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Drunk, unemployed and on the rampage. How wasps are abusing benefits

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Quick – someone alert the Daily Mail and the DWP. It’s an absolute propaganda GIFT. Record numbers of unemployed layabouts are spending all day getting drunk in a vile, loutish manner before going on the rampage in an orgy of mindless violence. Jeremy Kyle is said to be clearing his schedule for a special programme dedicated to this new phenomenon while Iain Duncan Smith looks into cutting their benefits and stripping them of social housing. There’s only one slight problem. The grubby, n’er do well underclass in question are in fact wasps.

The Red Cross has warned that September may by plagued by an onslaught of drunk and aggressive wasps. It seems that queens across the country are now swimming in nectar and now that the workers have met their nectar quota in a sort of Stakhanovite push, there is little for them to do but get firmly stuck into fermenting fruit, get wrecked and start in on the nest next door with the immortal buzz words ‘Did you just call me a fruit fly’ and ‘You just spilt my fermenting fruit’. Rumours that the Fosters factory are boarding up their windows and regretting ever having called their beer the ‘amber nectar’ are thus far unconfirmed.

This is indeed the inebriated and volatile twilight of their lives. With workers set to die off in droves because of cutbacks in winter fuel payments – sorry the natural cycle of life, wasps at a loose end are apparently behaving more recklessly than the cast of a Newcastle stag do.

The long, icy winter and late spring has thrown up more skiving, workshy, alcoholic wasps than is usual at this time of year and citizens have been warned to not look at their birds.

Joe Mulligan, head of first aid at the Red Cross, said: “It’s hilarious that, now worker wasps have finished their life's work, all they are doing now is feasting on fermented fruit and getting ‘drunk’.

“The danger for humans of course is that they may get a bit bold and attack us while we are out having a barbeque in the garden, sun bathing in the park or innocently going our merry way.”

Mr Mulligan went on to advise keeping a credit card handy

He said: “When an insect sting is visible on the skin, a credit card can be used to scrape it away. Using the edge of the credit card, drag it across the skin. This will remove the sting. Using a credit card or your fingernail is preferable to using a pair of tweezers. Some stings contain a sac of poison and if it is grasped with tweezers you may inject the sac of poison into the skin.”

Written by Cyrus Bozorgmehr - Google+ Profile - More articles by Cyrus Bozorgmehr

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